PA

Parental Alienation

“Not in the best interest of the child”

What Is Parental Alienation?
Parental alienation involves the mental manipulation of children with the sole purpose of destroying a loving and warm relationship they once shared with a parent.
This means that through verbal and non verbal actions and mannerisms, a child is emotionally abused and mentally manipulated into thinking the other parent is the enemy. This ranges from bad mouthing the other parent in front of the children, to withholding visits, to pre-arranging the activities for the children while visiting with the other parent.
Alienated children can experience low self-esteem, self-destructive behaviors, anger, aggression, cruelty, depression, anxiety, posttraumatic stress, and may have suicidal tendencies.

Warning Signs From The Alienating Parent
(As per Dr. Douglas Darnall, Ph.D.)
Giving the child a choice as to whether or not to visit with the other parent/letting the child believe this is his choice.
Telling the child details about the marital relationship or reasons for the divorce.
Refusing cooperation by not allowing the other parent access to school or medical records, and schedules of extracurricular activities.
One parent blaming the other for financial problems, break up of the family, having a girl/boyfriend.
Refusing to be flexible with visitation schedules or scheduling the child in so many activities that there is little time to visit.
‘Rescuing’ the child from the other parent when there is no danger. Creating a feeling of mistrust.
A parent suggesting the child change names or the step-parent adopting the child.
Using a child to covertly gather information about the other parent.
Arranging temptations that interfere with the other parent’s visitation.
Reacting with sadness/hurt if the child expresses pleasure at being with target
Emphasizing the other parent’s flaws.
Re-writing history-such as telling the child
the other parent never loved him/her, the
other parent abandoned them, etc.

What Causes A Child To Buy Into
The Alienating Parent’s
Manipulations

The child feels the need to protect a parent who is depressed, panicky or needy.
The child wants to avoid the anger or rejection of the dominant/custodial/more influential parent.
The child wants to hold onto the parent they are most afraid of losing, such as a parent who is self-absorbed, narcissistic, or not very involved with the child.

What Does An Alienated Child
Look Like?
Child will:
Bad mouth the other parent with foul or rude language and inaccurate descriptions
Offer weak or frivolous reasons for his/her anger toward the target parent
Professes to have only hatred toward the target parent/cannot say any positive things about them.
Doesn’t show empathy/guilt for hurting the target parent
Wants nothing to do with the target parent’s family/friends
Parrots the alienating parent
May not want to see or talk to the target parent.

What Can You Do?
Try to control your own anger and stay calm.
Always call/pick up the child at scheduled
times, even when painful or even if you
know the child won’t be available.
When with your child, focus on positive
activities, enjoyable for the child.
Try not to argue or get defensive with
the child. Focus on talking openly about
what your child is actually experiencing
rather than what he has been told.
If possible, get counseling for the child,
preferably with a counselor trained to
treat parental alienation.
Build a support network of counselors,
clergy, friends, family, support groups,
and community resources.
Gather as much information on Parental
Alienation as you can.
Attempt to work constructively with the
other parent, either directly or through
mediation.
Work on improving your own parenting
skills
Be actively involved in providing
information to those professionals
working with your child.

What Not To Do
Don’t ignore the problem-it will not go away
Don’t bad-mouth the other parent

How can others help?
(adapted from Divorce Poison by Dr. Richard Warshak, Ph. D.)
Designate others who enjoy your child’s respect (this might include teachers, counselors, scout leaders, coaches, clergy, parents of the child’s friends, friends, and family members) to intervene. Provide them with information on PA.
A person the child respects might invite both of you to the same function, making the child aware that the target parent will be there because the target parent’s company is enjoyable.
Have these people look for opportunities to provide positive input about the target parent.
Have them listen to the child, without negating what the child is saying, regardless of how outlandish it may be (that is the child’s reality). Then, encourage the child to hear the other parent’s point of view. Appeal to the child’s maturity by saying that is the way mature people handle conflicts.
Appeal to the child’s intellect by encouraging them to carefully consider ideas or statements that are blatantly false or outlandish.
Point out how persuasive advertising can influence a person’s thinking and try to relate it to the child’s thinking about the target parent.
Certain books or movies can be the topic for discussion about the importance of two parents, the sadness of having only one parent, or about how thinking can be influenced.

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