April 25th is Parental Alienation Awareness Day. What is PA –Parental Alienation and what is the connection with equal parenting? Let’s look at a PA case (names have been changed to protect confidentiality.)
When his wife left Ron, he expected to share custody of his two sons, and after all, he had been a “hands-on dad”, taking the boys to sports activities, school events and camping. That’s how it worked for six months until his wife’s lawyer proposed a property settlement in which his ex-wife got the house and their assets, while he was expected to shoulder their debts. When his lawyer proposed an equal division, access to his sons became difficult, and strange, untrue or wildly exaggerated accusations appeared in the affidavits from his wife’s lawyer.
When he picked up the boys at her house, they would appear to Ron as fearful, sad and not talkative. When they boys were alone with Ron, they appeared happy, talkative and playful, but occasionally made comments that Ron found odd, like, “you don’t support us” and “you shouldn’t control mommy,” Ron felt these comments were unusual for boys of 7 and 9, but said to them, “I am sure Mom and I can work this out. It is not your fault. We both love you and want the best for you.”
Ron sought help to understand what was going on, and after a considerable search, found a shared parenting support group on the Internet. Some fellow parents in the group identified what was happening as “parental alienation” or PA.
Ron felt relief to finally put a name to what was going on, and to understand that it was not just happening to him, and that it was not something he imagined. Will Ron get his children back? He is up against a highly adversarial family law system, gender bias and an ex-spouse who may be seriously mentally ill. At the very least she has a deeply entrenched personality disorder. Normal parents do not alienate their children from the other parent.
When parental alienation occurs, children lose not only a loving parent, and are completely controlled by a deeply disturbed parent, but often they are cut off from grandparents and other extended family.
Courts often enable parental alienation by not taking it seriously or by referring the alienating parent to therapy, which that parent usually sabotages, playing a delaying game in order to further alienate the children. PA can be thought of as cult behavior and tactics.
Myths of parental alienation:
Myth: Kids will grow out of it. Reality: Without serious intervention, no, they will not.
Myth: PA is a normal part of teen development. Reality: No, hating a parent is not normal, and can result in serious damage to kids, their sense of security, self-esteem and psychological health.
Myth: It is normal that a child attach strongly to a “primary caregiver” after divorce. Reality: Unhealthy attachment is one which excludes the other parent, or irrationally leads to hatred. This may be a form of “emotional incest”. Alienation leads to seriously disturbed adults.
It used to be thought that children don’t lie, so if they have an irrational hostility, it is based on real abuse. Now we know differently. Children can be induced into taking sides against a loving parent by a disturbed, controlling parent.
Myth: Parental alienation cannot be distinguished from real abuse, so it is better to be “safe”. Reality: PA is real abuse, and is surprisingly common in conflicted divorce. If there is real abuse, there is almost always physical evidence. It makes no sense to have one high standard of proof for a stranger accused of abusing a child (beyond a reasonable doubt) and another, very low standard for a parent (any accusation except that of being an alienating parent seems to be sufficient for a target parent to lose custody for their child.)
The reality of parental alienation is that accusations of abuse or parental unfitness must be thoroughly investigated with a consistent standard of proof. Reality can be distinguished from myths and false accusations. Real, proven abuse or neglect which endangers the child must be taken seriously. False accusations of abuse must also be taken seriously, as they can indicate an unfit, unstable, mentally ill or personality disordered parent.
There are best practices in family separations to ensure that both parents are treated with equality and respect in family courts, that accusations of abuse are properly investigated, that myths/ stereotypes and falsehoods are distinguished from reality, that the system provides incentives for both parents to co-parent collaboratively. We need to replace the current system, which provides perverse incentives for PA, with these best practices, which collectively are called “equal parenting.”
What can a concerned citizen do? Support Parental Alienation Awareness Day. Donate to support equal parenting reforms. Volunteer as a child and parent advocate with an equal parenting organization. Ask your local politician to support equal parenting best practices and reforms as a solution to parental alienation. We do this for the love of our children kids need both parents and parents need a family law system which does not provide perverse incentives encouraging parental alienation.
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